Conquer and Connect!
Asked on Quora:
"How do I respect my husband when he’s angry and shouting at me? How do I let him know that it’s okay to be sad around me? How do I get him to be sensual?"
Answer by Tamra Coveau:
You have asked three great questions and I will answer all three.
1. Shouting is a form of verbal abuse. You do not have to endure being abused in any way. If you choose to attempt communication while being yelled at, you will not be heard. He is venting his negativity in an unhealthy way when he is shouting. My advice is to keep self-control, keep your own voice steady and remove yourself from any dangerous or abusive situation immediately. You cannot fix him or change him. You can respond and act in a way that is respectful of your own self. Ask nothing from this man when he is in this state and do not engage him while he is behaving badly.
Communication is a transactional process of sharing our ideas, thoughts, and feelings in a way that others can understand. Communication occurs when the message is received. Yelling is an attempt to control, and the message is about power. Usually the person yelling feels out of control and powerless about something. A truly confident individual does not need to yell in someone’s face. Yelling is an attempt to control you, and yelling with anger is a verbally threatening situation. It is important to tell your husband how his yelling affects you and makes you feel. You deserve communication that is respectful and non-violent.
2. Your instincts about your husband being deeply sad are probably correct. Underneath great anger is usually sadness. Your husband will have to want to take off his mask of anger and be courageous enough to feel vulnerable. People often fear that admitting even to themselves that they feel sadness will bring more sadness. People are deeply afraid of being vulnerable, because they fear more pain. The opposite is true.
The willingness to be vulnerable comes from strength, and the action of consciously being vulnerable to another human being is courageous. There is no way to experience joy and happiness without vulnerability. Therefore, if one is locked behind a false mask and pretending to be in control behind a wall of anger, there is no way to experience sadness or joy.
3. Sensuality in a loving relationship is about tenderness, vulnerability and joyful sexual expression. Sensuality in life is about relishing every savory moment, knowing that it will not last. All of life is change. Lovers experience many sorrows and joys together and appreciate that they have each other through it all. Having a sexual partner is not the same thing as having a lover. A lover is someone who respects and nourishes your heart, mind and body. We are all flawed human beings in great need of love and acceptance. You deserve love. Your body is sacred.
“If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred.” ― Walt Whitman
When you share your life and body with your husband, he is receiving an intimate gift, because it is the home of your spirit. My advice is to value yourself as a sensual, whole, beautiful woman worthy of love. Do not lose sight of yourself or try to change any human being, however, you will influence others the most when you love and respect yourself. Treat yourself as a woman who deserves:
1. Respectful Communication at ALL times.
2. Vulnerability in living a full human life.
3. Sensuality in appreciating every good thing.